“After I’m gone, make sure to find your mother a companion to walk with her through her twilight years.” These were real parting words, though rarely spoken. They invite contemplation and, naturally, some resistance, especially from those in Vietnamese culture where women have traditionally been bound by the principles of “tam tòng, tứ đức”: “At home, follow your father; when married, follow your husband; when widowed, follow your son.”
When it comes to remarriage after the loss of a spouse or after a failed marriage, many Vietnamese still hold conservative, even negative views, often labeling these families as “patched-up baskets.”
From my experience with family life, remarriages after a loss or a divorce often seem happier compared to the early unions of youthful, impulsive couples. The reality is that many marriages can feel like living in hell, plagued by physical, psychological, and spiritual torment. What value or meaning can a life like that have? Is it anything more than a hollow, confining façade?
Psychologically, children from these families often don’t grow up with the maturity or happiness one might hope for. If they later marry, they may treat their spouse in the same damaging ways they observed in their parents. But what exactly do we mean by “twilight years”?
In Eastern philosophy and Vietnamese cultural tradition, age 60 is considered old age, a time of longevity. In his poem “Lên Lão,” the scholar Tam Nguyên Yên Đổ Nguyễn Khuyến wrote: “You don’t realize you’ve grown old. This year, you too have reached old age.” A person who dies before 60 is said to have “died young,” while those who reach 60 or older are said to have “died old.” Today, thanks to advances in medicine, nutrition, and environmental hygiene, human life expectancy can reach up to 120 years. So, being 45 or 50 might only be the beginning of one’s twilight years, and at 60, you’re merely entering the sunset of life.
Traditionally, those considered “old” (in the twilight, sunset, or dusk of life) were thought to have lost the right to love or be loved. They were expected to be stern, emotionally reserved, setting an example for the younger generation. This cultural and social moral influence left me quite surprised when I learned, in a course on the psychology of older adults, about the affectionate and loving behavior of Western seniors. It was a revelation to see that they still loved deeply, kissed passionately, and remained romantic and intimate, finding happiness in their relationships.
So, for older Vietnamese, especially those who are living alone, should love still be on the table in their twilight years? Why yes, and why no?
Love knows no age limits. This statement should not be misunderstood as referring to the age difference between two people in love. Love and age in the twilight years take on a different meaning. The heart was made to love and be loved! “Love until your heart stops beating” isn’t just a whimsical lyric—it’s a reality of life.
And when love blossoms, should they marry? For many, marriage is synonymous with happiness, and living alone at any age brings feelings of loneliness, boredom, and emptiness. Census data from 2001 shows that 41% of women aged 50 or older remarried after a divorce, while 58.4% of men did the same. The average remarriage age for women was between 45 and 64, which is comparable to men of that age group.
In the United States, according to the Pew Research Center, 67% of people aged 55-64 have been married twice. Half of those aged 65 and older have remarried. Evidence also shows that these later marriages tend to be more enduring than those entered into by younger couples.
Love remains vibrant not just at 40 or 50, but even among those 60 and older. At least 9 out of 10 people in this age group have married. Specifically, 91% of men and 92% of women aged 60 to 69, and 95% of both men and women aged 70 or older have married. Among older people who marry, nearly 80% do so after a divorce, with 6% rekindling relationships with their former spouses. In the UK, according to the National Statistics Office, the number of men marrying near age 70 has increased by 25%, while for women, this rate has increased by 21%.
Love, whether in the dawn or dusk of life, is still passionate, beautiful, and compelling. Marriages that follow a loss or a failed union are not only natural but can also enhance life from both a psychological and emotional standpoint. With the wisdom gained from past marriages, people tend to better recognize the value of each other, of married life, and of family, and therefore appreciate and cherish their relationships more deeply.
However, love in the twilight years and marriage at sunset still come with issues that need careful consideration:
- The first challenge is that it is often difficult for women to find a suitable partner after a divorce or in later life, especially if they have achieved some level of career success, financial independence, or physical beauty. Love at this age, in this context, lacks the impulsive, passionate, and wild nature of youth, often tempered by rational considerations. The limitations of physical capability at this age also pose challenges that need to be addressed. For many women after a divorce, caution tends to prevail.
- Another issue is the challenge of blending families: “your kids, my kids, our kids” (if there are any). This can be a significant hurdle that affects the happiness of both the couple and the family. Experience shows that while it may seem easy in theory, in practice, disagreements, divisions, and even breakups over children are common. The stereotypical image of a “wicked stepmother,” or a partner mistreating their lover’s child, are far from appealing or beautiful.
- Finally, there’s the matter of financial planning. Marriage, especially at this stage of life, isn’t just about marrying the person you love. When considering marriage, you should also think about all your accounts and beneficiaries—pensions, insurance, your assets, and those of your partner. Wills should be made for the benefit of relatives and children on both sides.
These issues should ideally be addressed before remarriage, but if not possible, they should be dealt with soon after. Be open with your children about what’s happening with family finances and how your marriage will affect them, as they will undoubtedly have questions.
-Trần Mỹ Duyệt, Ph.D. in Psychology-
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References:
- According to the local customs of the poet’s former village, every year on the 6th day of the first lunar month, the elderly in the village who reach the age of sixty perform a ceremony at the village communal house called the ‘Lên Lão’ ceremony.
- Yêu Em Dài Lâu. Đức Huy
- Remarriage Trends in the United States – National Healthy https://www.healthymarriageinfo.org› 2017/12 › R…
- The Demographics of Remarriage | Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org› social-trends › 2014/11/14
- Love and Loss Among Older Adults – U.S. Census Bureau
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