A friend of mine once said that he hoped to spend the last years of his life in a nursing home or a senior care center. He shared with me stories from other friends who told him that living in a nursing home was comfortable—there were no worries about meals or health. If they wanted to eat, they could eat; if they wanted to sleep, they could sleep. And when they were sick, doctors and nurses would take care of them with dedication. There was no burden on their children or fear of being treated poorly by sons/daughters-in-law.
But the picture he painted didn’t quite align with what I had seen during visits to elderly patients in nursing homes or senior centers. Perhaps the elderly were unwell at those times, or maybe they were carrying emotional burdens, but I rarely saw them happy. The most touching part was when I was about to leave, seeing the look in their eyes as if to say, “Why are you leaving so soon? Can’t you stay a little longer?” These experiences are also explained through the following data:
How long does a person live in a nursing home? The average time spent in a nursing home is about 13 months to over 2 years, depending on the case. [1]
The expected time for someone receiving care at home (care home residents) between 2021 and 2022 was about 7 years for those aged 65-69. It was 2.9 years for women aged 90 or older; and for men, it was 3.6 years for those aged 65-69 and 2.2 years for those 90 or older. [2]
Is this something that concerns older Vietnamese people in America? Many families face challenges from both sides—parents and children, and even sons/daughters-in-law. Some couples experience conflict or even divorce because of this issue. So, the question is whether parents should be placed in a nursing home or cared for at home? What are the pros and cons of each option?
Challenges of Caring for Parents at Home
Given the realities of life today, caring for elderly parents at home is not only an act of effort and sacrifice but also involves issues related to work, professional ability, and family dynamics.
- Time Constraints: For instance, the time dedicated to a spouse, children, and work. Some people give up their jobs to stay home and care for their parents, but this is rare and usually happens with individuals who are single or somewhat financially stable.
- Psychological and Mental Health Disorders: Elderly people often live in the past and are highly sensitive and prone to feeling lonely. This poses a challenge for younger generations, particularly children raised in the U.S., including daughters/sons-in-law, who grew up in a Western culture with limited understanding of Eastern traditions. How can conflicts be resolved? Who should take sides? Who is right or wrong? These issues are delicate but common when elderly parents live with their children. There are also challenges in how grandchildren interact with grandparents, often not matching the emotional closeness the grandparents expect.
- Professional Challenges: Old age is often accompanied by health problems such as Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, or strokes leading to partial or complete paralysis. Caring for such cases requires medical expertise and psychological understanding of the elderly. One caregiver shared her experience: “I stayed with my mother until her last breath, so I know the sorrow of the elderly and the hardship of being a caregiver. There were moments of exhaustion when I snapped at my mother, and I deeply regret it now!”
This is why few people know that up to 30% of caregivers die before the patients they care for. [3]
- Family Conflicts: In families with multiple siblings, there is often resentment or avoidance of responsibility, leading to arguments and tension. Who will take care of the parents? Eastern traditions place the responsibility on the eldest or youngest son, but what happens when there are no sons?
It’s common to see siblings squabble over inheritance, even if they didn’t contribute to their parents’ care. Many didn’t visit or provide support when their parents were alive but show exaggerated sorrow during the funeral, highlighting the hypocrisy expressed in old proverbs.
“Sống thì con chẳng cho ăn,
Chết thì xôi thịt, làm văn tế ruồi.”
Sending Parents to Nursing Homes
For Vietnamese people, the greatest difficulty is understanding their roles and responsibilities, especially when considering traditional values around filial piety. Sometimes this understanding is superficial and hypocritical, leading to criticism and gossip.
- Filial Piety: This is the biggest obstacle when thinking about sending parents to a nursing home. Everyone knows that living in a nursing home isn’t the same as staying at home. Family gatherings, though rare, still bring joy and emotional support to elderly parents.
In nursing homes, visits from family gradually decline, leading to feelings of loneliness and abandonment for the elderly. For Vietnamese seniors, language and cultural barriers only worsen their mental, emotional, and physical health. One elderly woman I met at a nursing home tearfully begged her children to take her home.
Finding A Balance:
“Children rely on their parents when they are young, and parents rely on their children when they are old.” This saying, though seemingly outdated, still holds value today. Just as children need their parents for care and guidance, the elderly need the support of their children. This is a natural, universal law.
- There’s No Place Like Home: Keeping parents at home is the ideal solution. Parents don’t have to feel lonely or distant from their family, and children have the opportunity to fulfill their filial duty. Siblings can also rotate caregiving responsibilities to share the burden.
If financial conditions allow, hiring in-home caregivers is another option. However, this also comes with challenges, especially when the elderly require extensive physical assistance that family members may not be able to provide.
- Nursing Homes: When parents are too weak to be cared for at home or family happiness is at risk, placing them in a nursing home becomes the last resort. Here, they can receive 24-hour care from doctors, nurses, and trained staff, providing necessary medical support and rehabilitation services.
In the end, life is full of difficult choices. Caring for elderly parents at home or sending them to a nursing home is one of those dilemmas. Ultimately, we must strive to live without shame, fulfilling our duties to those who gave us life and love.
Trần Mỹ Duyệt, PhD in Psychology
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Sources:
1. myLifeSite
2. Office for National Statistics
3. WCVB