From the moment we are born, tears are inevitable—
crying out as soon as we enter the world.
Life’s joys don’t always come with smiles;
in times of celebration and sorrow, fortune and misfortune,
happiness and melancholy,
we all carry within us a deep-well of human desire.
General Uy Viễn Tướng Công once observed that the human journey is both philosophical and pragmatic. Every person cries upon emerging from their mother’s womb—tears for the hardships and burdens of life, as well as for moments of joy and celebration. Yet, the joyful tears are few; most stem from pain and suffering. It is because of this inherent suffering that Buddha described life as “an ocean of sorrow,” a realm of endless tribulation. Even in the leisurely musings of Nguyễn Công Trứ, there lingers the acknowledgment: “We carry within us a vast reservoir of human desire!”
Indeed, our desires weigh heavily on us, leading to obsession and intoxication. They spark cravings, anger, and delusion—not only do these emotions inflict personal misery, they also cause countless others to suffer. Still, from a positive perspective, life is worth living and holds inherent value. As Dale Carnegie once said, we must learn to “let go of our burdens and enjoy life.”
Perhaps because we are submerged in this “ocean of sorrow,” we often feel uneasy, worried, downcast, or disappointed. In our quest to escape pain and misery, we lose sleep and appetite, fretting over unresolved issues, only to worry again once one problem is solved, fearing what the future may bring.
So how should we face adversity, challenges, and suffering? Do we curse our fate, run away, resign ourselves to it, or confront our circumstances head-on? Psychology tells us that if we “reluctantly” accept negativity, it will only lead to further mental and physical instability—leaving us weak, exhausted, unable to concentrate, or even mentally scattered.
Confronting Suffering
Everyone encounters pain at some point in their lives. Misfortunes arise from both internal and external causes—be they physical or psychological. Sometimes we are the victims, and at other times, we may even be the cause of another’s suffering. Children suffer from poverty, abuse, neglect, or broken families. As adults, many suffer from infidelity, gambling, alcoholism, and irresponsibility. Business failures, betrayal by friends, loneliness in old age, neglect by one’s children, or illness can all weigh heavily on us.
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a pioneer in studying the phenomenon of approaching death, introduced a model to help people face suffering in her seminal work On Death and Dying. Known as the DABDA model, it outlines five stages:
- Denial:
The initial response to pain or loss is often to reject the truth. For example, upon hearing of a loved one’s death or discovering a partner’s betrayal, one might refuse to accept the reality. “This can’t be happening—I just can’t believe it,” we say to ourselves. - Anger:
Once denial fades, anger and bitterness take hold. Questions erupt: “Did my parents really die? Is it true my partner cheated on me? Life has been so unfair!” We may find ourselves cursing love, fate, or even life itself. - Bargaining:
The next reaction is to negotiate with ourselves. We try to console ourselves with thoughts like, “There must be a reason this happened. I can’t avoid it. Perhaps I should just accept it—if my family is gone or I’ve been betrayed, then there’s nothing I can do.” - Depression:
Following these negative reactions, we may fall into depression—feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, and stuck. Some may even seek to escape through self-destruction, while most view life through a clouded, pessimistic lens. - Acceptance:
Ultimately, the reality remains unchanged. True peace comes from accepting the facts with a rational understanding. Embracing what has happened is an act of resilience and a sign of psychological maturity.
Coping With Anxiety
Suffering can leave us feeling overwhelmed and trapped in worry. While the intensity of anxiety differs for each person, its impact can disrupt our sleep, eating habits, and overall well-being.
On the other hand, anxiety can serve as a valuable reminder—a signal that something is amiss and requires thoughtful action. In applied psychology and therapy, experts recommend the following five steps to help manage difficulties, fears, and disappointments:
- Challenge Anxious Thoughts:
When anxiety strikes, it is often accompanied by negative, irrational thoughts. Instead of denying these feelings, confront them by considering the worst-case scenario and planning solutions in advance. This practice can help break the cycle of negative thinking and foster calm and confidence. - Recognize Your Negative Thinking Patterns:
It is difficult to challenge what we do not recognize. Negative thoughts often lurk in the background, casting long shadows over our lives. By acknowledging these thoughts and questioning whether our fears are unfounded, we can start to dismantle their hold over us. - Cultivate an Optimistic Outlook:
Anxiety tends to magnify minor issues, but a positive outlook can do the opposite. Focus on the small, positive aspects of life and the potential benefits that can arise even from stressful situations. By viewing challenges as part of a larger life picture, we empower ourselves to regain control rather than succumb to despair. - Take Time for Yourself:
Our minds, like our bodies, need moments of rest. Amid the daily grind of confronting worries, find a quiet space to decompress—whether through reading, walking, yoga, or meditation. Regular mental breaks are essential to maintaining a balanced, healthy lifestyle. As the Bible reminds us, “Come away by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest” (Mark 6:31). - Create an Anti-Anxiety Toolbox:
The best way to handle anxiety and distress when you don’t have immediate access to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or psychiatric medication is to manage them yourself. Below is a checklist designed to help you assess your mental state and attitude whenever you encounter anxiety or face a challenge.a. Identify the Issue. When you notice that you’re feeling unsettled, anxious, or scared, start by asking yourself a few questions to help you move forward. For example: What is happening to me right now? How is this affecting me? Can I overcome it? What practical solutions exist for my situation? Have I faced similar worst-case scenarios before, and if so, what did I do to conquer them?
b. Take Action. When anxiety strikes, reflect on how you respond. Do you pray, take medication, go for a walk, rest, or talk with trusted friends? Alternatively, you might try journaling, listening to music, drawing, or reciting positive affirmations to motivate yourself. For instance, consider the adage: “A river has its bends, and life has its ups and downs. Imagine if life were completely flat—where would the heroes be?” Moreover, in the Bible, Jesus advises, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself” (Matthew 6:34).
c. Maintain Your Health. Keep a close eye on your physical well-being. If you experience symptoms like an irregular heartbeat, shortness of breath, digestive issues, or numbness in your extremities, ask yourself whether you are using medication or other physical or psychological therapies. Are you eating a balanced diet, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and doing everything necessary to support your health? Remember, mental health affects physical health, and physical health influences mental well-being—a sound mind in a sound body (mens sana in corpore sano).
The Sour Taste of Life
Misfortune is something no one desires, yet it is an inescapable part of the human experience. Do we simply stand by helplessly as our lives are choked by adversity? Instead, we must seek out the lessons hidden within our hardships. What message do they bring? If we can’t always “let go of our burdens and enjoy life,” at least we can strive to “make the best out of a bad situation”—after all, when life gives you lemons, you can always squeeze them into a refreshing glass of lemonade.
-Trần Mỹ Duyệt, Ph. D in Psychology-
References
- Nguyễn Công Trứ, Chữ nhàn, Văn Học Publishing House, Hanoi, 1983.
- Reflection on human desire.
- Psycom on Grief and Depression
- Intrepid Mental Health Blog on 5 Ways to Cope
- “When life gives you lemons” – TheIdioms.com